With the NFL opening this past weekend, along with stellar college matchups like Michigan versus Notre Dame, all of my thoughts should have been about football. And maybe 85 percent of my brain power was devoted to the gridiron.
But there was something else I kept thinking about, no matter how much football I watched. What I can't shake from my mind, what has burrowed its way into my everyday consciousness is Jean-Claude Van Damme's GoDaddy ad.
Upon first watch, this might just appear to be another deliberately bizarre commercial meant to make absolutely no sense. Take a somewhat memorable star from the past, make him do something wacky (something that he's likely all too willing to do in an attempt to burst his way back into pop culture awareness and, of course, earn a nice paycheck) and barely allude to what your service or product does during the ad.
Hey, it doesn't matter if you know what the commercial is selling. It matters that you're talking about it. From there, curiosity is piqued enough to do some exploring and look into the product being advertised. I defy your curiosity not to have been piqued after viewing Jean-Claude Van Damme's GoDaddy ad.
Just what the hell is going on during the 30 seconds of this commercial? The ad is titled "The Baker," which gives the ad a sense of mystery and filmic quality. It has a title, perhaps implying there's a story. Maybe it's like The Hire, that eight-part series of BMW commercials from a decade ago, starring actors like Clive Owen and filmed by directors such as Ang Lee and Guy Ritchie.
OK, The Hire was far more ambitious. "The Baker" is a goof in comparison. I mean, we're also talking about BMW versus GoDaddy. What's the more prestigious product? Yet which ad could we be talking more about generations from now? I dare say it's this one.
Presumably, the story of this ad centers around the title character, a humble entrepreneur whose small business — called Ben's Bread Box — just received a huge boost of interest, thanks to buying a domain through GoDaddy and perhaps setting an e-mail newsletter or some other such service that you'll just have to learn more about once curiosity pulls you over to check out all of the company's offerings.
But how is Ben of Ben's Bread Box going to handle the 25 orders that just surged into his inbox because of his new website? That's where Jean-Claude Van Damme comes in. The "Muscles from Brussels" magically appears from nowhere to inspire our modest proprietor, to push him toward productivity and ambition he may not have previously believed possible.
Yet the martial arts superstar doesn't just offer Belgian-accented words of encouragement to the breadmaker. He provides a propulsive rhythm to get work done, courtesy of a set of bongos. Being JCVD, this guardian angel of commerce doesn't just play the instrument to lay down a beat. He does so while doing the splits, Van Damme's signature move.
My friend A. asked, "How over JCVD doing the splits is everyone in the world by now?" after I compelled her to watch the ad. Perhaps it was a predictable move, capitalizing on an image that's played out. But you can't have Van Damme in a commercial and not have him do the splits, right? Having him roundhouse-kick a bag of flour wouldn't convey the right message. Maybe Van Damme beating and kneading the flour could have been done. However, that would've missed the point of this story.
Van Damme isn't supposed to pound the dough. Ben the Baker must do so. And he can do so, because JCVD is there to inspire him. Not just with a beat provided by bongos, then maracas. But also with a seductive look, one that tells the baker, "You know you can do it. You can kick ass just like me, Jean-Claude Van Damme. I believe in you so much that I will risk playing a flute that is on fire."
The Baker furiously sprinkles more flour, he kneads more dough. He goes to the cooler for more supplies. Can he possibly fill all those orders? Is he ready to take his business to the next level. Of course he is. Because he has his magical JCVD, who confronts him at every turn, to spur him on. And like an angel on his shoulder, telling him to do the right thing, Van Damme whispers one last piece of advice, something that may just stay with Ben the Baker for the rest of his life: "It's go time."
Who's ready to bake some mother-effing bread? Am I right?
Would this commercial have worked with anybody else? Oh, sure — GoDaddy could have found another seemingly washed-up star who's still remembered fondly, yet perhaps with some embarrassment. Van Damme's former co-star, Dennis Rodman, may have been a candidate. Had Matthew McConaughey not revived his acting career with excellent movies such as The Lincoln Lawyer, Magic Mike and Mud, perhaps he would've been a good choice. Playing bongos is a prominent feature on his résumé.
But would any other actor or personality have lent the air of mystery and intrigue that Van Damme did to this ad? Would anyone else have provided the layer of cheesiness that JCVD so willingly brings?
Another key is that Van Damme is simply willing to make fun of himself. In his heyday, he may have taken himself far too seriously to have ever agreed to such an endeavor. But a fading star and likely a shrinking bank account have a way of humbling a man.
Van Damme showed in the 2008 film JCVD that he can play a less idealized version of himself, one that is hardly the worldwide superstar he may have once been. He goes to that place again — clearly no longer a dark place for him — to entertain us, to bring us 30 seconds of bizarre, inexplicable joy.
Maybe "It's go time" also applies to Van Damme. We could be witnessing a revival, one in which he can break free from the other former 80s stars that make up "The Expendables." He can do it, just like Ben the Baker. Maybe some of us even believe in JCVD enough to play a fiery flute to compel him. I mean, I don't. That just sounds crazy. But someone else might — because we all need that kind of inspiration once in a while.
